Flat Relativity

This is seriously wrong! The theory of Flat Relativity has existed since the Flatcoat was first developed.

Take Special Relativity first:

The idea that every individual carries their own 'clock' around with them - leading to the notion that the faster an individual travels the slower their 'clock' runs in relation to a stationary Observer is something that every Flatcoat learns at its mother's teat! Of course you have an internal 'clock' and the more you rush around at food-time, checking your bowl, dashing back to your Master, whizzing round in small circles, then the slower that beastly internal clock goes slower, and . . slower . . . . and . . s . l . o . w . e . r . . . . .

On the other hand if you just let it all hang out. . . shoot the breeze with a passing chum . . go with the flow . . snooze a little . . . . be yourself . . then your 'clock' runs faster and faster and it is mealtime before you can say 'shovel-it-into-my-bowl'. Quod est demonstrandum.

Unbelievably the same mistake was made and Albert got lauded for something that every Flatcoat has known about since the middle of the last centrury. Einstein postulated that Space/Time could be 'bent' by Mass - and this is the force that we call gravity. From the very first Flatcoat the Breed has been aware that the larger the Mass of food before it the more a Flatcoat's stomach will expand (even to infinity) to provide the Space required to accommodate it. Furthermore the faster a Flatcoat eats the slower Time will run until eventually Time will stand still - until it has gobbled up the very last mouthful.

The Space/Time/Stomach Continuum is just basic common sense to the Flatcoat. Indeed if we take the theory a little further we can see that Eating is equal to the Mass of the food multiplied by the speed that it is eaten (normally at the speed of light squared - or C2), or as that latter-day plaguarist Albert Einstein sought to describe the eating habbits of a

So much for Einstein's theories, but what of more recent developments?

Clearly 'Black Holes' are just a description of the genuine Flatcoat (there are even a few Liver Holes!). Just in case some of our readers are not entirely clear about the properties of a Black Hole may I remind them that it is an object of almost unbeleivable density from which no substance can escape once it is taken in. Somewhere at the centre of a Black Hole is a Singularity where the laws of physics are irrelevant and Time does not exist - need I say more?

Quantum Mechanics is a branch of physics, baffling to many humans, but all too familiar to Flatcoats. Indeed it is flatcoat behaviour that actually identified this whole important field. Q M is about discrete packages or 'particles' but it cannot make its mind up as to whether they are in fact particulate or waveform. Flatcoats are uniqely qualified to know that this is due to the 'feathering effect'. Sometimes a Flatcoat can look like a discrete paricle, and at others more like a wave (indeed we think that the individual feathers might even be important in String Theory!).

Quantum Mechanics has it that although it is possible to say where a particle has just been it is only possible to make an informed guess where it might go, thus introducing unpredictability (this will sound very familiar to Flatcoat owners), further - the more enegy you put into finding out where that 'particle' is at any one moment the more you disturb it and thus make it behave in an even more random manner (still sound familiar?).

Well, Oh Best Beloved (as the book goes), that is how the Labradors, the Goldens and the Flat-Coated Retrievers were made and how they developed. In contemporary human terms it is easy to recognise each breed: Labradors use mobile phones, Goldens will always buy you a pint of beer in a pub, and FlatCoats are forever young at heart and happy by nature.

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This story is copyright to Gordon G Hall, the illustrations to Rieko Mamaoto. If you wish to reproduce any part please e-mail your request to: